The filming of Cats is a difficult matter,It isn’t just one of your holiday games,Each actor involved here looks mad as a hatter,When the trailer came out, we were CALLING THEM NAMES.It began with Cat poems from old TS Eliot,In the 80s, Lloyd Webber just put them on stageThat was frankly a bit of a gamble for Andrew, butCoach-loads of punters made Cats all the rage.Now Cats is on film, with many a lonely pussPlayed by performers of A-lister class.But the number of mammaries looks frankly erroneousAnd tails that appear to emerge from each arse.There are lots of big names here, names we see daily,Names that supposedly give us a lift.Nothing like Jonathan Pie or Bill Bailey,But names like James Corden, and – yes – Taylor Swift.The setting is London, it does look post-nuclearThere aren’t any people, so maybe there wereBomb blasts – or maybe a bio disasterCausing cat-human mutants with digital fur.The twitching of ears on their heads is distractingAs they gaze at the greenscreen and sashay and crawl,It’s weird to behold them all gurning and acting,And why do so many resemble Darth Maul?Did director Tom Hooper intend this appearance?Did it make him feel happy – or cause him some stress?We have to assume that he gave it his clearanceBut THE MAN HIMSELF KNOWS and will never confess.These are the Jellicle felines of legend,All elbows and shoulders and undulant arms.Each male in the cast looks a bit of a bellend,And those bizarre whiskers don’t add to their charms.The Jellicles welcome Victoria: a new cat,Francesca Hayward’s the thesp with this role,She’s sleek, unlike Corden – well known for TV chatBut it’s his size that reveals that he’s meant to be droll.And then Idris Elba comes on as McCavity,(A boomy-voiced villain in anyone’s book)There’s a prominent gap in his penis locality.I honestly didn’t … well … know where to look.As Grizabella, Jennifer Hudson will sniffleSinging Memory, this movie’s moment of truth.But it’s warbling warbling warbling piffleFrom a bag lady drama-queen obsessed with lost youth.The Jellicles’ leader is Old DeuteronomyJudi Dench has this part, looking very bemused.What’s with that extra big fur coat? You’ve got me.She looks bewildered and (like us) confused.Obviously, Ian McKellen is in it,And he’s got a tatty old topcoat as well.The other cats’ nude state is clearly permitted.But why? That is something that no cat will tell.There’s another cat in it, by name Mungojerrie,Not the 70s pop group who once raised a cheer,With their Summertime chart hit that really was veryMuch better, more catchy, than anything here.Ray Winstone’s the creepiest cat in this featureHis Growltiger sends a sharp chill down your spineWith his hissing he looks like he’s having a seizure,It’s scary – like adverts for betting online.When you notice these cats in profound meditationWith a digitally created frown on their browTheir minds are engaged in a rapt contemplationOf the thought, of the thought, of what on earth to do now.“Pretend to be cats!” says a director. They reply …“Me? How?”Link to the review on The Guardian website via /r/movies https://ift.tt/2PDHSNB
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