Every year I watch the crime spree of a movie, 'Jingle All the Way'. This year, I decided to enumerate these criminals misdemeanors and felonies, and dole out appropriate punishment.

In a day that has so much going on that it almost strains the imagination, both Arnold and Sinbad commit a flurry of crimes in their mad attempt to find a child's toy. The state of Minneapolis should not sit idly by as they let lawlessness run rampant. In fact, in many readings of criminal statutes, Sinbad is a domestic terrorist.Here I will enumerate their many crimes and with careful reading of both Minnesota and federal statutes, find an appropriate punishment for them.tl;dr - Arnold owes $8,350 that he'll owe after spending a year in jail.Sinbad, however, has to pay $285,500 in fines, has a life sentence with no parole for his terrorism, and should spend an additional 18.5 years in jail on top of that. He's also lucky to not get the federal death penalty, but it's a children's movie after all, so we'll keep it PG.Arnold's CrimesCrimeSentenceDriving on the shoulder$300Jay-walking$100Destruction of property (Turboman cardboard cutout at toy store) $100Chases/grabs kid - assault$1000Yells “I’m not a pervert” in a crowded mall.Maybe not a crime but still. He gets a fine of public perception.Attempts to buy stolen Turboman$300 - statute says 3x value of dollAssaults multiple Santa clauses$1000 - besides the first Santa, he could argue self defense, so he is only given a single misdemeanor assault. Being provoked, this is unlikely to increase his assaults to a felonyImpersonating an officer $1000Drinking in public at a diner with no liquor permit$250 and a ban from the dinerAssaults Sinbad in a phone booth$1000Breaks into radio station, along with destruction of property6 months jailBreaking an entering into neighbors house6 months jailTheft of neighbors turboman doll$1000Destruction of property$1000Animal abuse (reindeer punch)$300Rigs turboman giveaway to his son$1000 fine and he better hope the feds don't get wind of itUnlicensed/unpermitted use of jet pack, destruction of property Unclear, onus more likely on providers of jetpack. He will likely be banned from any stunt unions, however.Sinbad's CrimesCrimeSentenceAssaults woman outside toy store$1000Assaults Arnold at toy store$1000Drinking in public$250Tosses out mail as a postal worker$250,000 and 5 years jailBomb threat at radio station$10,000 and 5 years jailBomb threat towards police$10,000 and 5 years jailEvading arrestHard to find a specific charge if no one was harmed in the evasion, but seems to increase judges sentencingBlows up a squad of cops/murder/terrorism Life in prison with no parole. Potentially also the death penalty.Assaults Turboman's nemesis to get his costume6 months jail as we have been upgraded to felony assault with this pattern of behaviorSteals turboman nemesis costume (and eventually ruins it)$1000 and the cost of the costumeThreatens a minor$1000Assaults Turboman1 year jail, for an increasing pattern of assaultAssaults child 1 year jailAssaults man in box costume1 year jailChild endangerment$1000 fine and may lose his visitation to kids if his wife decides that she doesn't want to live with a serial felonSteals turboman figure$250 fine since it was returned via /r/movies https://ift.tt/3nQoWd8